Money saving tips and practical advice thread

[Jayo Cluxton]

I think its only right that we all make our money stretch a bit in these dark economic times. Here's a few tips and a bit of practical advice - feel free to add.

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a s**t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house afterwards.

[Jayo Cluxton]

Circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain And check that it has gone.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.
Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.
Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so It may as well look like one.
At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

[Jayo Cluxton]

Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
Stop nosey neighbours from knowing which room you're in by stealthily crawling around the house on all fours.
Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

[Jayo Cluxton]

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
Girls.. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y
Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.
Liverpool fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.

[bocerty]

Use your local library's electricity supply to recharge your mp3 player mobile phone and laptop

use carpet samples as slippers

[bocerty]

That reminds me of when my friend used to work in Asda. An old man in a wheelchair used to come in every week and sit by the freezers. They eventually discovered he was recharging his wheelchair by plugging it into the freezer socket!

[Jayo Cluxton]

Make sure your fridge light goes off when you close it by drilling a hole in the door to keep an eye on it.

Allow old brillo pads to rust to just the right colour - then they make excellent Weetabix.

[bocerty]

Buy two-ply toilet paper and pulling the sheets apart

Buy one entree and split it, buy dinner and ask for a take-out box to split it immediately

The English always make me laugh when buying drink, if you have 2 or more drinking together espcially older men they nornally drink half pints, but its cheaper to buy the pint and split it than buy 2 half pints - a saving of 2p probably miserable ba***rds

do like most Dubs and wear the same county jersey for 30 years

[bocerty]

Rub pine needles under your arms instead of buying deodorant.

Take extra napkins from fast food restaurants to save on toilet paper.

Don't pay baby sitters! Get young couples who are thinking about having kids to "rent" yours for the evening. They get to see what it will be like, and you can get paid instead of paying for sitters.

Turn off the TV and all the lights to save electricity. Tell the kids it's a game of hide-and-seek.

[Jayo Cluxton]

do like most Dubs and wear the same county jersey for 30 years

I have every Tyrone jersey since Gaelic football was invented in 2003 ...

[bocerty]

do like most Dubs and wear the same county jersey for 30 years

I have every Tyrone jersey since Gaelic football was invented in 2003 ...

[Jayo Cluxton]

Avoid paying road tolls by getting false plates with the same number as someone with the same model of car.

Ulster folk: Avoid expensive trips to Dublin by stocking up on crates of local brew, peeing for free on the motorway on the way and making your own sandwiches. Hold on .... sorry - this is already in practice for many years ....

[Jayo Cluxton]

Don't waste money on expensive Sky pay per view boxing matches when you can go to a Derry league match for a fraction of the cost.

[bocerty]

switch your allegiance to Dublin - you'll never have any bother looking for expensive tickets for All Ireland semi finals or finals

[Jayo Cluxton]

Buy a cheap white t-shirt, slit your wrists and daub your bloodsoaked hand on the front of the shirt - hey presto an inexpensive Tyrone supporters kit.

[Jayo Cluxton]

Avoid wasting money on the National Lottery by buying 45 table tennis balls and numbering them with an indelible marker. Place them into a large bag or sack and have your own free draws each Wednesday and Saturday night.

[bald eagle]

Don't waste money on expensive Sky pay per view boxing matches when you can go to a Derry league match for a fraction of the cost.

You'd miss out on a lot of football if you started that Jayo!

[bald eagle]

Save money on fuel by copying the registration plate from the same model and colour of car to your own, fill the car up and just drive off after waving to the attendant in the shop.

[Jayo Cluxton]

Getting married? Save money on expensive wedding bands by buying yourself a bottle of Power's and using the seal from the top.

[Boxtyeater]

Save money and time by slinging all your dirty shirts into Barnardos. Pop back in 2 days and there they are washed and ironed.
50c each or any 6 for €2.50. Gift that.

[Boxtyeater]

Boxty has acquired (via the Crane) of all things, a Jet-Ski machine that has cost me €780....
Having full recourse to 240 acres of lake water in a rural enclave, I'm wondering should I keep access to same low-key or should I harness my "facility" to some registered tour operator (Stag merchants) that are not "un-known" to me??

The Crane bravely gave me a view of it's performance abilities there before nightfall and it looks impressive...It's a Kawasaki thingy
I was thinking of about €30 for 15/20 mins farting around the lake in a "God for us all" type scenario...

Opinions please.

[Jayo Cluxton]

I think you may have been landed with a Kawasaki motorbike minus the wheels.

Anyways when one of these stag bucks drowns or whatever the public liability may come in handy - or a fast sprint.

[SamiPremier08]

Save money on buying an expensive personalised car registration plate by simply changing your name to the one you already have.

Yours,

YN04 KUO

[Boxtyeater]

Despite my dubiousness in God, my old associate, Gunner Scollan phoned around the 8.40AM mark, with word of Laura Ashley tiles heading for the skip....

With a phonecall, another phonecal, and a negotiain technique that smacked of George Mithell, Dauber and myself had the pallet unloaded below in Aughawillian by dinmnertime....A tidy move ...€700 split handily enough...We'll drink Gunner's €100 later on...

[Jayo Cluxton]

Capital Gains Tax payable?

[Sponsored content]