The Saving of Sam and Liam ....

Dedicated to Samin

Sure as we say in Dublin - a thousand posts is grand! This is a true story from nearly 2,000 years ago - a story that even Snuff may not be aware of! Has to be in two parts because of length - which will nicely start me second thousand posts!!


It is 66AD and Nero fiddles while Rome burns - like any good county councillor! The leader of the GPA (Gladiator Players Association) Dessicus Farrellus has come to the leader demanding payment. He is unhappy that a 'thumbs up' is the sum total of their lot when they are filling stadia, coliseums and amphitheatres left right and centre. "I demand silverware. The best silverware in the world - and it resides in Hibernia. I demand that Sam Maguire and Liam McCarthy are presented to our top gladiators." A tribune whispers to Nero that this is impossible. The Hibernians are not for messing with - very few people get to touch Sam and Liam there. The fiercest felines normally defend Liam - the Cats are renowned for their ferocity and as for Sam - they are defended by a people that even their own leader describes as animals!

Nero - undaunted - dispatches a legion of soldiers to deliver the Holy Grail to the hills of Rome. The Irish GAA hierarchy get wind of the impending invasion. "A team of barbaric foreigners coming to whip our lads by fair means and foul and make off with our booty - oh no! Not the Compromise Rules again!" cries Ioannes Kelly. A quick meeting is convened in Ye Olde Hayes Inn in Thurles and all Gaels vow to drive the invaders away cupless!

The intrepid (great word haven't a clue what it actually means) Romans plan to land in the north of Hibernia. For they hear of cheaper beer and a favourable exchange rate. They slip into Beal Feirste and plan to hook up with Harland and Wolf ( a distant relation of Romulus and Remus). Alas a welcoming party awaits including North Side Gael and all the other (true) Gaels (who don't support Leeds United). A massive battle ensues where the Barber of Mugsy slits a 100 throats and RMDs Flying Stephen Column show the Romans the door via a famed blanket defence. The attackers have the life sucked out of them, suffocated by swarms of Ulster's finest! They beat a hasty retreat southwards stopping only in Castlebellingham for the 'Fawlty Towers' experience. Next port of call is Navan and an area of true history - Tara Valley - home of the greatest infrastructure since the Appian Way - the M3. The Romans genuflect on the motorway and quickly head for Pairc Tailteann seeking out Sam. A vast crowd awaits them (bingo on Tuesday night) but hot coffee and tea rains from the Stands - a la Wheelo - as they leg it! On departure they take a hostage - Loyal2theRomans - who informs them that Sam is probably in Mayo - the second best team in the country. The Romans head West!

On arrival in Mayo they are struck by the signage that appears everwhere. "2nd Best Bakery", "2nd Best Hardware", "2nd Best Butcher" etc. They now realise that Sam has never lived here nor is he likely to. They come across a couple of turncoats -Toutboy and Whiterbannnastout - who, for 20 pieces of silver - advise that the Holy Grail may well be found in the Republic of Cork. They head quickly for Cork as the two Mayomen laboriously wipe the soldiers' behinds while bowing and scraping!

Original plans had included a stopover in Limerick but the Roman General muttered - "We've fought the toughest battles in Western Civilisation, we've had the Crusades, the lions in the coliseum but Limerick - hey, man we all like life a little too much!" So they gave it a skip!

And so to Cork. The intention is to surround and invade Pairc Ui Chaoimh from land and river and be victorious - taking their plan from the Great '83 Dublin replay battle victory! By stealth they storm the stadium and gain the surprise element - they think! But the stadium is empty. Apparently the Cork GAA players had heard that a foreign contingent was coming to the game and argued that they hadn't trained for this so they called a strike. The Romans are now getting seriously befuddled and enthusiasm is waning. They decide to head to the Capitol - as they call it - via Waterford.

Nobody warns them of the Shanahan-Mullane factor. This blonde tight cropped guy appears in their faces, whipping up a frenzy and wildly waving a caman - while his laidback Uncle Dan approaches and with that toothless smile and menace driving the Romans across the river at Passage. The soldiers are lucky to encounter a ford (not Matty) and make it to Ballyhack! They spend the night in Ye Olde Liam Griffin's hostelry and his enthusiasm is such that half the lads end up staying in Wexford, dancing at the crossroads, marrying Wexford girls and singing Boolavogue at their kids communions!

The rest make for Dublin. A few snipers in the Wicklow Hills appear but their General is absent. "Roman Legion is Tommy Murphy stuff", he said, "if its something serious like Brian Mullins or a Donegal hen night I'll be there - otherwise it's Waterville for me."

And so they march on the Museum of Croke Park - and word is that Sam and Liam are on display. The Romans are excited - especially when they get to Macaris on the NCR. Forget your linguini, ravioli, rigatoni, spaghetti, tortellini or vermicelli - these guys are now looking at a one on one (Dubspeak - wan-on-wan ie fish and chips!) - armies don't march on bellies - just grease!

Jones Road is a hive of activity - because Beacaire Gorm is having an Open Day! The Romans decide to take a northerly route to the stadium via Hill 16 - big mistake! They plan to attack at 4 o'clock but their isn't a Dub to be seen! Fifteen minutes later - as usual - the Dubs invade the stadium. With General Snufalufagus (although a Roman sounding name, the man is Lucan to the core) in command, cans of Dutch Gold and Bulmers rain on the Romans. "Holymoly" cries one! "Holymoly and Liam beside him!" cries another! The Romans goose is cooked as they are laid waste (wow learned that in Latin and never thought I'd have the opportunity to use it again - just shows you!) and vanquished on the Hibernian soil.

Sam and Liam are safe - the gaels, the Ulsters, the Royals, the Wesht and the south - the Midlands, the South Easterners and the Dubs have ensured that GAA tradition will continue. No man or woman can claim the higher moral ground for the people have banded as one to hold onto their heritage.

Alas - safe from the fact that the most terrifying and able conquerors can not defeat the Hibernian spirit, they resort to fighting among themselves - and all over the said two Cups! And so it continues to this day on HS. But deep down its an Oirish thing - respect each other but whatever else ya do - don't let on ye do!!!

And you didn't even mention Hill 17 (the Blackrock End to the uninitiated) from 1983.

The shame !

i swear i've read this somewhere before...

SamiPremier08 wrote:i swear i've read this somewhere before...

I think Jayo could have posted it on "the stand opposite the cusack" a while back.

yeah i think i remember this before too!

SamiPremier08 wrote:i swear i've read this somewhere before...

still cant get past the first paragraph myself, need a few match sticks to keep the eyes open look wide awake, ill try again

Yes indeed you read this before - it was lifted and re-posted for Samin following his special request yesterday as below.

We aim to please!!!


on Yesterday at 3:57 pm

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Im getting ready for my late afternoon nap, tell us a wee story jayo to help get me to sleep. how about "the saving of Liam and Sam" again? It worked the last time

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