Jokes

Three guys, one Irishman, one Englishman, and one Scotsman are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total," says the Genie.

The Scotsman says, I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will someday be one too. I want all the oceans to be full of fish for all eternity. So, with a wave of the Genie's hand, the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman said, "I want a huge wall around all of England because we're fed up with Jocks and the like coming into our country. This wall will protect us, so that no one will get in for all eternity, it will be England for the English." Again with a wave of the Genie's hand, there was a huge wall around England.

Then it was the Irishman's turn and he asked, "I'm very curious about this wall, Please tell me more about it."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out.

The Irishman says, "In that case, FILL IT UP WITH WATER!"

Man walks ino a pub, barman asks him what he wants to drink. "Anything except Stella", "what's wrong with Stella?" asks the barman. "Well, i had 12 pints last night" says the customer, "and when i got home i fell asleep and woke to find i was f**kin skint"

"Well" says the barman, "12 pints of any beer costs roughly the same these days"

"Skint's my dog" replies the customer

A young man moved into a new flat of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the flat next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered.... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is
this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they Distil ( take out ) the essential juice out of the
fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also
made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!



Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables
be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little big around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.



Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Pope Benedict decided to visit the Middle East for Holy week and while he was there, he went missing.
His aide searched high and low for him and eventually found him praying at the Wailing Wall.
The aide asked: "what are you praying for?" the Pope answered "I am praying for peace between in Gaza" the aide asked "who are you praying to?" and the Pope answered "God"

The next day, the Pope goes missing again and the aide finds him praying at the Wailing Wall. The aide asks "what are you praying for?" the Pope answers "a resoultion to the Cork hurling dispute" the aide asks "who are you praying to" and the Pope answers "the wall"

I'm silly I don't get it!!

Niamh_Derry wrote:I'm silly I don't get it!!

You're lucky Niamh!!!

This lad starts chatting a woman up in a pub, "so" he says, "what's your name?"
"Carmen" she replies, "lovely name" the fella says to her,

"thanks, i chose it myself.....it's after my 2 favourite things Cars, & Men" she says winking to the man.....then she asks the fells, "whats you name then?"

"Beert*ts"

Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV & Radio


1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of
the Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live'said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come
in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.

I hear Vijay Singh has proposed to Nick Faldo's caddie Fanny Sunneson.

He said he wanted to make her Fanny Singh!!!!!!

13 - Rickey Hatton said to Jane Couch (Female boxer) on his chat show once "When you were in your prime i'd loved to have seen yer box"

"would you now" she said back to him!