The Christmas Jokes thread

[Guest]

Jokes only about Christmas are allowed:

What goes 'oh, oh, oh?'

Santa going backwards!

Why does Santa always go down the Chimney?

Because it soots him!

What is Santa's most famous elf?

Elfvis!

What do you call Santa when he doesnt move?

Santa Pause!

What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree ?

A pineapple !

What do monkeys sing at Christmas ?

Jungle Bells, Jungle bells..


Hahahaha!!!

[SamiPremier08]

you sound like you've eaten an entire packet of Penguin biscuits Essie!

[Guest]

you sound like you've eaten an entire packet of Penguin biscuits Essie!

[Boxtyeater]

Santa’s Bad Day


One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready
for is annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got
sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular
ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then
Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa
even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows
where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the
toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went
into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the
liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the
kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw
end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He
opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely
day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.

[Boxtyeater]

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at
the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present
something “Christmassy”.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is
allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, “How do these represent
Christmas?”
The third man answered “They’re Carol’s.”

[Boxtyeater]

Bocerty is out shopping for his wife’s Christmas gift and he asks the sales assistant for ideas, indicating that he doesn’t want to spend much money. The clerk brings over a beautiful gold necklace, on sale for only €100.00. The man shakes his head -No. The clerk brings over several choices of perfume at €60.00 per bottle. Once again, the man shakes his head - No and says, “Listen, I’d like to look at something cheap.” The clerk returns quickly and holds up a mirror.

[bocerty]

Bocerty is out shopping for his wife’s Christmas gift and he asks the sales assistant for ideas, indicating that he doesn’t want to spend much money. The clerk brings over a beautiful gold necklace, on sale for only €100.00. The man shakes his head -No. The clerk brings over several choices of perfume at €60.00 per bottle. Once again, the man shakes his head - No and says, “Listen, I’d like to look at something cheap.” The clerk returns quickly and holds up a mirror.

bit ironic coming from a man who was out 'borrowing' real Christmas trees only last week

[Jayo Cluxton]

Good King Wenceslas phoned for a pizza.
The salesgirl asked him, 'Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?'

[Boxtyeater]

Bocerty is out shopping for his wife’s Christmas gift and he asks the sales assistant for ideas, indicating that he doesn’t want to spend much money. The clerk brings over a beautiful gold necklace, on sale for only €100.00. The man shakes his head -No. The clerk brings over several choices of perfume at €60.00 per bottle. Once again, the man shakes his head - No and says, “Listen, I’d like to look at something cheap.” The clerk returns quickly and holds up a mirror.

bit ironic coming from a man who was out 'borrowing' real Christmas trees only last week

Comedian .....

[bocerty]

Office Holiday Memo

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

[bocerty]

You Know You've Had Too Much Christmas Cheer When...

1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
17. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
18. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
19. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
20. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.

[Boxtyeater]

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone felt shitty even the mouse. Mom at the whorehouse and dad smoking grass, I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass. When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter, I sprung from my piece to see what's the matter. Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick, I knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick. He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell, I knew in a moment the old focker fell. He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer. He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart, the son of a bitch blew the chimney apart. He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight, piss on you all and have a good night.

[bocerty]

It was the doctor's last patient consultation of Christmas Eve. A mother came in with her young daughter and asked if he would examine her because she had been showing some strange symptoms, including a significant increase in weight, sickness most mornings and a number of strange cravings.


He checked her out very carefully and eventually told the mother that her daughter was unquestionably pregnant. At which news she protested very strongly.

'Don't be ridiculous, my daughter has never been with a man'

The girl confirmed that this was true and added that she had never so much as kissed a man.

The doctor studied the girl very carefully, then quietly stood up, walked to the window and stared out of it.

Suspecting the worst the mother asked if there was something wrong.

"No, not really" replied the doctor. 'It might just be a coincidence, but the last time this happened a bright star appeared the East.'

[bocerty]

It was Christmas and everyone seemed to he having a great time, but Father O'Rourke was not. He suddenly said to Father Kelly 'You know what. I'm fed up with all this good behaviour and clean living. Why don't go out and have good old sinful night out. We could drink, go with loose women and do whatever takes our fancy.' Are you mad?' replied Father Kelly 'This is a small town. Everyone knows who we are.' 'I don't mean we should do it here.' said his colleague. 'We could dress like everyone else and take the train to the city'

After much persuasion Father Kelly agreed to do so and off they went that night and partied until morning. They arrived home very much the worse for wear and it was then that the enormity of what they had done began to dawn on Father Kelly. 'Oh my God. We're going to have to confess our misdemeanor.' 'Don't worry.' replied Father O'Rourke 'I've already thought about this. You get changed and go into the confessional and I'll tell you all about my misdeeds and you can absolve me. Then, I'll do the same for you.'

So, a short while later Father O'Rourke went to the church and entered the confessional. 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I went out with a friend to celebrate Christmas ast night and got drunk, had sexual relations with women, danced to wicked music and used foul language.' Father Kelly replied 'God is patient and forgiving and so am I. Do five Our Fathers, five Hail Marys and your sins will be forgiven.'

A short while later their positions were reversed and Father Kelly confessed everything in great detail. 'This is an outrage.' exclaimed Father O'Rourke. 'What kind of priest are you? Do five hundred Our Fathers, Five hundred Hail Marys, donate all you income for the next three months to the church, go right round the church on your knees fifty times, asking God's forgiveness as you do so. Then come back to me and maybe I'll consider absolution.' 'What?' said the astonished Father Kelly 'What about our agreement?' Father O'Rourke replied 'What I do with my time off is one thing, but I take my job very seriously.'

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