Culchie Festival 2009

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I see the 20th Annual Culchie Festival will run from 23-25th October this year in Ballyjamesduff - see link above.

This actually should appear as one of the things to do before I die! Among the many highlights are Welly Throwing Comp, Super Gran, Porkies Party Dance, Knitting, Kulchie Karaoke, the Culchie Olympics and the Honda 50 step-thru!!

I expect MMM will spent the weekend over the border. RMD and Boc will be vying for their first crown. Clash will be hoping to win the Culchie Quiz! Mossbags will be there in his wellies! Anyone else going?

Anyone any tips for a city boy? What should I wear - will my €1,000 Italian suit be overdressing? What is it safe to eat -will there he hang sangwiches? Is deodorant an optional extra? Do I have to source a tractor or a Honda 50?

Perhaps Boxty or some of the other rustic specialists could advise?

ps Maybe this is the ideal event for the GT get together!!!!!

The male version of the Rose of Tralee!

Its only about 23 miles from Gunit's gaff to Ballyjamesduff so we could all head there for a few in Mc Seain's hostelry before loading into the back of Jim's hi-ace and heading to BJD! Shinners gaff in Longford is also an option - we'd be real culchies if we stayed in Longford - home of Declan Nerney and Larry Cunningham - stalwarts of Shinners LP collection no doubt!

I'm a metro-culchie.

Jayo the idea would be find yourself a tractor with a slurry tanker on the back of her preferably an old tanker thats liable to break down several times a day, between now and the start of the festival head of into some nearby field at least once a day with a full tank of slurry ready for spreading (if your having bother finding sh*te for the tanker take a spin into nearby Meath there's plenty there) horse the tractor round the field spreading slurry till your hearts content, ideally you'll want at least one break down a day from the tanker (remember to take a brush shaft or an oul hurley with you) were to need to clear a blockage. Take your brush shaft or hurley and hit the tanker a few cracks until she blows dung out all over ye. Head of home and let the dung sit for a while before attempting to wash, you want it to seep into your pores as much as possible.

The day of the festival have a quick wash and a minimum amount of deoderant. You'll want a pair of black shoes preferably with a few nails in the heel of them so they 'make a clicking noise' when you walk. A pair of oul jeans that are perhaps 1/2 an inch too short in the leg and any oul shirt. Give the hair a quick brush and have a few egg and onion sangers before you leave.

On arrival at the festival find a high stool in a busy bar with a big turf fire in the corner and horse pints of stout into you like blue f**k to aid the internal combustion process. The bigger the fire the better as the warmer the bar the quicker you start to sweat and when the sweating starts the wang of dung will start to imminate from the oul pores.

This should help you make it through the festival JC -

bocerty wrote:On arrival at the festival find a high stool in a busy bar with a big turf fire in the corner andstou horse pints of stout into you like blue f**k to aid the internal combustion process. The bigger the fire the better as the warmer the bar the quicker you start to sweat and when the sweating starts the wang of dung will start to imminate from the oul pores.

This should help you make it through the festival JC -

No, no, no Boc, sorry to correct you on that one. Glasses of Powers, not halves, chased by bottled stout (preferably pint bottles) are the accepted, nay mandatory beverage at the events.
It goes without saying that the consumption of draught liquor instantly identifies a culchie wannabe from the genuine article.
Participants observed consuming pints of lager face immediate disqualification and rightly so.
The other parts of your plan with the exception of black shoes (go for brown brogues) seem good though.

Boxtyeater wrote:

bocerty wrote:On arrival at the festival find a high stool in a busy bar with a big turf fire in the corner andstou horse pints of stout into you like blue f**k to aid the internal combustion process. The bigger the fire the better as the warmer the bar the quicker you start to sweat and when the sweating starts the wang of dung will start to imminate from the oul pores.

This should help you make it through the festival JC -

No, no, no Boc, sorry to correct you on that one. Glasses of Powers, not halves, chased by bottled stout (preferably pint bottles) are the accepted, nay mandatory beverage at the events.
It goes without saying that the consumption of draught liquor instantly identifies a culchie wannabe from the genuine article.
Participants observed consuming pints of lager face immediate disqualification and rightly so.
The other parts of your plan with the exception of black shoes (go for brown brogues) seem good though.

apologies on that one Boxty cant believe i missed the Powers and bottles of stout - shame on me

I am going for this in a big way lads ... alas I have consulted the phone directory and only see the following Dungs.

Dung, Who Flung, Swinging China Boat take away, Nobber
Dung, Cow Smelli, Laughing Panda take away, Kingscourt
Dung, Loadsa, Friendly House take away, Kenagh.

Where are these tractor Dungs? Also I have called into every shop in Dublin today and none sell slurry. As a matter of fact I was asked to leave most of them. I think I can sort the studs for the shoes alright as my communion ones are still here somewhere. Me mate Deco says his Da has a Honda 50 in the garage - with white fairing - sorted! Not sure about drinking pint bottles of stout though ... I think I did that many moons ago and my abiding memory is

Jayo Cluxton wrote:I am going for this in a big way lads ... alas I have consulted the phone directory and only see the following Dungs.

Dung, Who Flung, Swinging China Boat take away, Nobber
Dung, Cow Smelli, Laughing Panda take away, Kingscourt
Dung, Loadsa, Friendly House take away, Kenagh.

Where are these tractor Dungs? Also I have called into every shop in Dublin today and none sell slurry. As a matter of fact I was asked to leave most of them. I think I can sort the studs for the shoes alright as my communion ones are still here somewhere. Me mate Deco says his Da has a Honda 50 in the garage - with white fairing - sorted! Not sure about drinking pint bottles of stout though ... I think I did that many moons ago and my abiding memory is

f**k the Honda 50 have you not got a wee Dexter you could use?????

bocerty wrote:
f**k the Honda 50 have you not got a wee Dexter you could use?????

A Dexter? A f***ing Dexter??? What the f*** is a Dexter? I am SO out of my depth here ... I mean I get the prime Culchie mode of transport - its even red with white fairing - and now I need a Dexter. I really have no chance of winning this have I?

Jayo Cluxton wrote:

bocerty wrote:
f**k the Honda 50 have you not got a wee Dexter you could use?????

A Dexter? A f***ing Dexter??? What the f*** is a Dexter? I am SO out of my depth here ... I mean I get the prime Culchie mode of transport - its even red with white fairing - and now I need a Dexter. I really have no chance of winning this have I?

shouldn't be a new phenomenon to a Dub!!!!!!!

Have you any chat up lines - 'are ya dancing' is always a good ice breaker or 'you wouldnt have a blade of grass an inch long for grazing sheep?'

Jeeze this is scarey ......... its like Deliverance is unfolding here before my eyes ... must go out ........ and get some car exhaust fumes .. quickly .....

Jayo Cluxton wrote:Jeeze this is scarey ......... its like Deliverance is unfolding here before my eyes ... must go out ........ and get some car exhaust fumes .. quickly .....

Deliverance - we haven't got round to the pigs yet!!!!!!!!!!

dont be wearing your f**king shell suit and trainers anyway JC - you'll be the laughing stock of the festival - and if anyone tries to sell you grass relax its not f**king drugs they're trying to offload to you

bocerty wrote:and if anyone tries to sell you grass relax its not f**king drugs they're trying to offload to you

F*** that - defo not going now!

Jayo Cluxton wrote:Its only about 23 miles from Gunit's gaff to Ballyjamesduff so we could all head there for a few in Mc Seain's hostelry before loading into the back of Jim's hi-ace and heading to BJD! Shinners gaff in Longford is also an option - we'd be real culchies if we stayed in Longford - home of Declan Nerney and Larry Cunningham - stalwarts of Shinners LP collection no doubt!

Your always welcome in Macs J. Dont expect one on the house though. I've been drinking there for 5 years and I still have not got one. There is a vintage tractor club here so someone might lend you a Major for the day.

Dubliner to compete beyond the Pale

Michael “Maxi” McConnell, from Ballyfermot will travel to
Ballyjamesduff, Co Cavan, later this month to square off with 21 other
competitors for the title.

Paddy Rock, organiser of the Original Irish Culchie Festival, said in
previous years the competition, which he considers the male equivalent
of the Rose of Tralee, had three simple rules – competitors must be 21
or over, male and from anywhere but Dublin.

“We have decided to let a Dubliner in but the female thing is still a
definite no,” he said. “We based that on the fact the ICA [Irish
Countrywomen’s Association] refuses male members and until they drop
that, neither will we.”

The competition, open to all “country characters and natural
entertainers”, will pit contestants against one another in age-old
culchie contests such as turf-cutting, sandwich-making, welly-throwing
and wheelie-bin racing. The winner will be selected by a panel of five
female judges.

Mr Rock said being a culchie, or “rustic rural as the dictionary puts it”, is something to be proud of.

“A culchie years ago might have been seen as a derogative term but now being a culchie is cool.”

He said things have changed in rural areas and that “rustic rural” folk
need a platform on which they can be celebrated. “You look at it today
with Sky Sports and music in pubs, there’s no platform for the culchie
to be himself.”

The inaugural winner of the competition, Cowboy Jack Holian from Co
Mayo, said: “I was the first Mayo man on the Late Late Show when I won
in 1989,” he said. “It’s a great thing for impressing the ladies as
well.”

Cowboy Jack said some things had changed in the culchie community. “The
culchie was a normal country fella who could break into song or tell a
joke at the drop of a hat,” he said. “They’re more modern now. We were
old-fashioned. Those modern guys are always on the phone.”

On account of its location this year, the festival will pay tribute to
Percy French, who wrote the ballad Come Back Paddy Reilly to
Ballyjamesduff. Mr Rock hopes Paddy Reillys from across the globe will
come to set a world record for the largest-ever gathering of Paddy
Reillys.

The festival takes place from October 23rd-25th and aims to raise funds
for the Irish Motor Neurone Association and the Alzheimer’s Society of
Ireland.

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Explain yourself Jayo

Well ... er ... em .. I just had to have a go at this Moss. I re-invented meself as a guy from Ballyfermot and sent in an application with a fair few expletives and threats thrown in. It worked but keep it a secret.

I spent the weekend working out in Kiltimagh. Heavy sweaty stuff baling hay and cutting and stacking turf. I haven't washed since September 14th and the stubble is coming along nicely. I have a great bit of string to hold up the trousers and have been on rednecks.com looking for suitable clobber. They are based in the States but some of the cowboy boots, hats, belt buckles and checked shirts are awesome. I can spit about 20 metres but can still only do about 15 large bottles at a session - and to be honest it is f***ing awful with Weetabix. I have the hang of the half one though and have borrowed a hip flask with a Cotton Mill Boys logo.

Any help from anyone is seeking this title would be welcomed. Only real culchies to give advice please.

Pipe smokers rather than fag smokers have a marginal advantage here I'm told.
If you must smoke cigs then Sweet Afton are the business. Turned down wellies for the turf cutting are also favoured.....
You OK for a breast spade for the turf cutting? If not I'll send you one.

Boxtyeater wrote:
You OK for a breast spade for the turf cutting? If not I'll send you one.

No I haven't been able to get me hands on a breast lately.

This has to be the meet and greet! Ye can all come along and lend a hand to my attempts to win this title!

Jayo Cluxton - Culchie of the Year! Bleedin' deadly!

Jayo, Jayo....a spot of bad news for you.
Due to the defection of the Kerry contestant, a local "warrior" has received a "Wild Card" entry to this event.
His pedigree is impeccable: a son of Thomas John Whitlow, known locally as Thomas John the 2nd. (real name Thomas William).
Some vital facts to note: Can foot a bank of turf in 1hr.40min. Can stook same bank in 45 min and clamp lot in 26 min.
A known maestro in the use of a scythe, can ream a half acre of rushes in 1hrs. 36mins.
A dancer of note: Half sets, full sets, 4Xhand reels, solo step dancing and his coúp dé grás....the wonderful bi-linguial recitation "Michéal Mór". He can churn butter, make pan and indeed boiled boxty, quote from great speeches in an inimitable mimicry tone with his own/local slant weaved in, commentate on matches past, present and future and in this vein he gives a killing version of Sir.Peter O'sullevan's finish to the Dawn Run finalé of 1984.
A confirmed bachelor of about 48 (life begins at 60) TJ2 is comfortably capable of skulling circa 30 pints of stout fortified with 10/12 half ones (for the oul boosht).
Should you meet him, he knows f/all about football but a bull or bullock within 20 miles is meat and drink to him.

The 2010 version of this fine event (won last year by a cousin of Mossbags from Loughrea) takes place in Mohill on the Bank holiday weekend...
Some colourful local characters will provide stiff opposition to visiting pretenders. More later.

I was out for a bit of a constitutional ramble the other evening that would culminate in X 8 in the village..
In the course of my hours walk, stops included, I found, on the main road, a large industrial tarpaulin, blue in colour, quite close to the 4Gm's lane***
I proceeded to fold it up and place it in the vicinity of 4Gm's pumphouse.

The Dauber was in the chair in the Abbey Bar and with whom I enjoyed a good lock of pints, was in a funny mood. He'd done a "job" for a local family that perceive themselves to be part of the "aristocracy" in the parish and gotten paid €800 in cash (€50's) of which Dauber could confirm (on the spot) that 6 of them were forgeries..He, not being unfamiliar with jinty notes, raised the issue immediately....Quelle shock and horror.....Dan affirms that the 16X50 that he got later on were all kosher....
He does wonder though, is there laundering of notes going on a wide scale...

Back to the tarpaulin......Dan got the Land/Cruiser warmed up and we flung the tarpaulin into the back thereof, pending further consideration (I nearly said investigation).....By mutual agreement, we've decided to turn it into a sort of "Penalty shoot-out" at local gatherings....5 slots, 4 corners and as Dauber calls it "The Belly Buster"....Dan has overlaid a diving Gary Sprake in the middle, cut 5 circular holes and duck-taped them with a 2 inch margin all round...

Culchie Festival in Mohill will be the launch weekend...3 penos' for €2...5 for €5......

***The 4 gallon man..A legend locally..