Tour Guide

Good morning, tourists.

Thank you for visiting our wonderful country.
Political information has not been included in your brochures, so here
to help you understand us better is a special guided tour of Irish
politics.

Ireland is an island to the west of Britain, but Northern Ireland is
just off the mainland - not the Irish mainland, the British mainland.
(Look, if you wanted a region where politics are easier to understand,
you should have gone to the Balkans. Now pay attention.)

The capital of Ireland is Dublin. It has a population of a million
people, all of whom will be shopping in Newry this afternoon. They
travel to Newry because it is in the North, which is not part of Ireland.

Under the Irish constitution, the North used to be but a successful
30-year campaign of violence for Irish unity ensured that it is now
definitely in the UK. Had the campaign lasted longer the North might now
be in France.

Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland.
It has a population of half a million, half of whom have houses in
Donegal. Donegal is in the north but not in the North. It is in the
South. No, not the south, the South. (Those who cannot follow this might
like to go off to the Giant's Causeway instead. You cannot miss it - it
is near a car park.)

There are two parliaments in Ireland. The Dublin parliament is called
the Dáil, an Irish word meaning a place where banks receive taxpayers'
money..

The one in Belfast is called Stormont, an Anglo-Saxon word meaning
placebo, or deliberately ineffective drug.

Their respective jurisdictions are defined by the border, an imaginary
line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump chemical waste.
(Note for Americans tracing their ancestors - fuel launderers are
descendants of one branch of the ancient Irish tribe known as Na
Níteoirí [launderers]. They are found today mainly near the border. The
other branch of the family, money launderers, are found all over
Ireland. It was Na Níteoirí Ola who composed the ancient Irish air, "I
love the smell of freshly laundered diesel in the morning.")

Protestants are in favour of the border, which generates millions of
pounds in smuggling for Catholics, who are opposed to it..
(Note for Germans learning English - a cross-border body is an
organisation, not a Sinn Féin minister who travels frequently between
Belfast and Dublin. It should not be confused with a cross border-body
which is a grumpy person in Strabane.)

Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the only
country in the world with two M1 motorways. The one in the North goes
west to avoid the south and the one in the South goes north to avoid the
price of drink.

We have two types of democracy in Ireland. Dublin democracy works by
holding a referendum and then allowing the government to judge the result.

If the government thinks the result is wrong, the referendum is held again.
Twice in recent years the government decided the people's choice was
wrong and ordered a new referendum. (Note to visitors from North Korea
- we told you that you would feel at home in Ireland.)

Belfast democracy works differently. It has a parliament with no
opposition, so the government is always right. This system generates
envy in many world capitals, especially Dublin.

Ireland has three economies - northern, southern and black. Only the
black economy is in the black. The other two are in the red.

All IRAs claim to be the real IRA but only one of them is the Real IRA.
The North's biggest industry is the production of IRAs. We now have the
Provisional, Continuity and Real IRAs.
The Real IRA is by far the most popular among young graffiti writers
because it is the easiest to spell. (Literacy levels are improving.
Department of Education inspectors report that every Catholic child at
Key Stage 2 can now spell IRA.)

So now the rest of you want to go to the Giant's Causeway as well? Fine,
but before you go, did you know that the causeway was an attempt in the
Tertiary geological period to build an interpretative centre but the
developer ran out of political connections?

Oh dear, they appear to have gone - which shows that politicians may
advocate tourism but the systems and society they have produced do
little to encourage it.

lol, very good boc, especially the bit about the IRA.

hahaha very good